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Public Safety Announcement
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Attention residents of the United States of America, inclusive of all territories and protectorates, and applicable also to visitors, foreign diplomats, incarcerated persons and all other persons who, for any reason, may find themselves present on American soil:

According to some predictions, the Rapture will take place on May 21, 2011. These predictions indicate that the Christian faithful, beginning with the dead and following with living persons, will rise into the air and join Jesus Christ in Heaven. These predictions go on to state that this will mark the beginning of the Time of Tribulations, a seven year period where God rains judgment down on the Earth.

As with all claims based on faith and religious scripture, these predictions are not without controversy. There is no agreement, even among Christian believers, on what exactly will happen on or after May 21. However, in the interests of public safety, the government of the United States of America is taking no chances. The following measures and protocols have been developed to minimize threats to the public, Christian and otherwise, during a Rapture event.


First, all persons are cautioned to plan your May 21 carefully. The mass arising of millions or even billions of living beings, and countless other deceased beings, has the potential to cause considerable damage to property and harm to other persons. If you are expecting to be Raptured, it is requested that you spend as much of May 21 as you can in a place where you can 'see sky', meaning being in an out-of-doors location with no roof, or at most a soft-material screen such as an awning or an umbrella. Vision glass overhead is not an appropriate choice. Thatch or sod roofing are good secondary choices. Travel in enclosed vehicles such as airplanes, trains, buses and submarines are strongly discouraged for all persons, Christian or otherwise. If travelling by ferry, use the top level; if travelling by car, select a convertible top vehicle where possible, and ask a heathen friend to drive.

Particular care must be taken with the arising of the Christian faithful who are dead and buried. While the majority of the deceased are in clearly marked graveyards with minimal ground cover, there are plenty of Christian bodies in crypts below major edifices, and there will undoubtedly be unmarked burial sites where ancient Christian cadavers must rise through hard construction. (Fortunately this last problem will be less significant in the United States of America as compared to sites in Europe or Asia Minor.) Living persons are cautioned not to visit graveyards on May 21, as overturning concrete and marble could cause injuries. Where possible, facilities containing crypts should make temporary accommodations to allow the free flow of the dead to the sky. In the United States Capitol Building, for instance, the crypt underlies the Rotunda; pressure sensors have been placed under the foundation, and if sufficiently high upward pressure is detected, shaped charges will blow a hole in the floor and the dome above to allow the Raptured plume to flow without damaging the rest of the facility.

Living persons who identify as Christians should make provisions for care of children and the elderly. While one would certainly hope that all of one's family would either go or stay, there can be no guarantees that this will happen. Under no circumstances should families tether themselves together on May 21, as this may endanger persons who are not specifically drawn to Heaven. Additionally, it is not known whether there will be lateral pressures on the upward-rising Raptured, and injuries from the the tether may result. If you are Raptured, rely on the Lord's plan for you and your loved ones.

Should a Rapture event occur, there will be considerable confusion regarding whether missing persons have been taken to Heaven or are unaccounted for by some other mechanism. Knowing whether a person has been Raptured could have significant impact on military personnel's AWOL status, criminal investigations, life insurance payouts, jury duty, overdue book fines, and a host of other details of everyday life in an interconnected society. Accordingly, persons in the United States of America are invited to visit a Post Office before May 21 and pick up your free Global Positioning fob. This fob, when registered, will allow the NOAA to track your location along the radial (upward) axis only. The NOAA will not be able to track your Cartesian coordinates on the Earth's surface. When your location breaks the line of the troposphere, it will be assumed that you have been Raptured. If you are an actual astronaut, note that on your registration form.

Considerable public discussion has transpired regarding what will be done with the possessions of the people who are Raptured. Some have even talked of post-Rapture looting and property squatting. Be advised that the rule of law will persist in the United States of America before, during and after any Rapture event that may occur. We have plenty of police officers and members of all branches of the military who are not Christian, and we have a robust chain of command that can and will survive the loss of a significant number personnel. The same is true for courts (yes, and lawyers), jails, bondsmen and other critical services. Anybody caught looting or committing other crimes will be subject to the same laws and legal consequences that would otherwise govern, although the discussion of whether the Ten Commandments should be posted in courthouses will become a moot point. DO NOT DISCHARGE FIREARMS AT THE RAPTURED.

Should you have other Rapture related questions, or are not certain what to do in the event of a Rapture event, call our toll-free hotline at 1-800-RAPTURE and ask for our free booklet. Our goal is to ensure a safe, orderly transition into the End Times.

Tomorrow: Battling the Antichrist – What Can I Do in My Community?

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> Considerable public discussion has transpired regarding what will be done with the possessions of the people who are not Raptured.

^not Raptured^Raptured

also, cute!

Blow up dolls.
Helium.

GOOD TIMES.

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