January 23rd, 2007



In recent years it has been Big Oil's policy, explicit or otherwise, to undermine science related to global warming. When a legitimate scientific voice makes claims regarding a human impact on climate change, industry has hired their own opposing voices to dilute such claims. The apparent goal is to seed doubt in the minds of the average Joe on the street. If the layman doesn't know any difference in credibility between actual scientists and mercenary barkers, he cannot tell the difference between truth and sham. He is therefore likely to decide that the truth lies somewhere between the viewpoints voiced, and this plays in favor of those for whom controlling climate change might prove damagingly expensive.

It occurs to me that the layman would be similarly unable to tell that I am not a climate scientist either. And, certainly, while I have never claimed to be a climate scientist, I have also never claimed NOT to be one. So, as far as you know, I might be one, and my opinion should therefore be equally valid in what passes for public debate on this issue. Furthermore, if the layman truly is forming his opinion by somehow averaging the truthiness of the things he hears, it follows that I can voice an opinion in the opposite direction from that presented by Big Oil's lackeys, and this may help to swing public opinion back in the direction of the scientific truth.

In this spirit, I hereby submit the following position paper:


Recent markers in climate change indicate that global warming is accelerating. Previous papers on this topic have badly underestimated the rate at which global temperature averages are increasing. Other scientific institutions are stating that global temperatures may be rising on the order of several degrees Fahrenheit per hundred years. These misguided fools do not know what they are talking about. Every day it grows a little hotter; every night the warmth persists a little longer. We shall all die in fire!

This timeline may prove helpful in visualizing the impact of global warming:

2007: It's hot. I mean, really damned hot. You have no idea.
2008: Even worse than 2007. Don't think winter will be any better. It might be worse.
2009: Seasonal names changed from fall, winter, spring and summer to spring, summer, hyper-summer and infernus.
2010: Sea levels rise and engulf our cities, to their tremendous relief.
2011: When going outside it will be necessary to smear asbestos paste on your hair so that your head won't burst into flame.
2012: Frying eggs on sidewalk no longer possible, as they now flash directly into vapor.
2013: Ice cream, as we know it, ceases to exist.

Within the next seven years, rising carbon levels in the atmosphere will lead to increasing incidence rates of choking smog, spontaneous human combustion and people with overtanned, leathery looking skin. Melting glaciers, insane with pain and anger, will lash about in their death throes, crushing mountains and Sherpas. Angry mobs will rush about armed with CO2 canisters and buckets of sand, putting fires out. There will be shootings, and lynchings, and your home's air conditioning system will be badly undersized.

It is not too late to reverse this trend. First you must find an executive in a large oil company. Tell him or her: I do not wish to incandesce! Then, kick him or her in the shins. If we all do this, oil executives will be forced to wear shin-guards, and perhaps they will look into alternative sources of energy, such as solar power, or kids who have had too much sugar.

...man, what is the deal? does it seem warm to you? It's like an oven in here!....omigosh!