April 11th, 2007


It Lives! A Guide for New Creators


Congratulations! You have decided to create life. All scientists dream of the day when they, too, can seize godhood for themselves. You are starting upon a wonderful journey of discovery and invention -- one sure to create a marvelous bond of love co-mingled with despair and loathing between you and your creation. Oh, but they shall look like fools for mocking you back at the Academy!

This guide is intended as a reference for the first time creator. Everything you need to know about creating, animating, educating and ultimately rejecting your monstrosity can be found within these pages. Tips and hints from the world's foremost authorities on the perversion of science can be found herein, as well as ethical standards and the best means to circumvent them, selecting a quality brain, and suggestions for securing your home from firebrand-wielding peasants. Armed with this book, there is nothing you cannot accomplish! NOTHING! HUA ha ha ha HA! ha HA! HA.

CHAPTER ONE: On the Origin of the Specious

Now that you have made your big decision, it is time to sit down with your assistant, or your fiendish servant, or your automatons, and answer some basic questions. Only YOU can make the choices that shape the form of your creation. Ask yourself:

* Will my creation elicit terror or pity in onlookers?
* Will I grant my creation the gifts of speech? reason? acidic vomit?
* Will my creation be my companion? bodyguard? bride?
* Will I keep my creation in shackles? down a well? in brine?

A Hint from Heidegger - It is THEY who are Mad!

From time to time throughout this process, you may be plagued with existential questions. Do I have a right to bring this living being into existence? What is the dividing line between good and evil? What have I done?!

Do not fear; these feelings are perfectly normal, and all creators feel them at one time or another. Remember: you are not mad; you are a genius, and soon the entire world will know your name. You shall wrest the very secrets of life and death from whatever eldritch powers possess them. YOU are the greatest scientist the world has ever seen!

However: don't forget to temper your hubris with a sense of humor. Take the time to laugh -- maniacally if possible! AH ha ha HA! HA HA HA HA! ha HA!


There's nothing more fun than decorating your laboratory and getting ready for the creation that will be coming soon! Get together with all your scientific friends and draw from their backwards, wrong-headed thinking for inspiration! Things to consider:

* Is your skylight wide enough to accommodate your creation *and* the table it lies on?

* Give thought to lighting. Torches? Arclight? Luminescent mosses?

* Jars, jars, JARS!

* Yes, of course books, and lots of them -- but how shall they be sorted?

* Clean up those old experiments, or make them clean up themselves!

* Pivoting walls are lovely, but will they slow you down when your monster moans forlornly in the night?

* You can NEVER have too many pits. They are a creator's pride....and secret shame.

A Hint from Heidegger - Sustainable Design

The earth's climate is changing, in part because of greenhouse gas emissions from human industry, but also because of that madman deFalco's experiments at the North Pole. Fool! Imbecile! All scientists must give consideration to reducing our footprint on the environment.

Accordingly -- reduce, reuse, recycle! Why build a complicated articulated arm when perfectly usable parts are available in a nearby graveyard? Instead of leaving your failed creations to limp or ooze pathetically around your fastness, why not cannibalize them for your final masterpiece? When you revivify your creature, try going off the grid -- instead of using electricity, consider the life-giving properties of geothermal power!

As scientists, we are custodians for the earth we live in. If we do not take care of it, there will be nothing for our minions to terrorize when our bodies have turned to dust and our brains are floating serenely in their bubbling nutrient baths. We are creators, and the most wonderful creation is Creation! ITSELF!! MUAH ha HA! ah HA HA HA HA HA HA!....