July 30th, 2007


Everybody Dead - Film at 11

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Waves of shock, disbelief and grief rippled across the world following the news that everybody has died on Monday.

Ingmar Bergman, iconic Swedish filmmaker who passed away at the age of 89, went unmourned by Bill Walsh, former head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, dead at 75. Veteran talk show host Tom Snyder, rarely at a loss for words, was unavailable for comment as he, too, was dead at 71. Also failing to check in was legendary Houston investigative reporter Marvin Zindler, muckraking crusader who closed the Chicken Ranch, fought tirelessly for restaurant sanitation and the little guy, and died Monday of leukemia aged 85.

Further investigation revealed that other notable absences in the news are owed to a general epidemic of mortality that has swept the globe. R&B singer Usher, whose eleventh-hour cancellation of his wedding over the weekend has mystified fans and detractors alike, was found to be ineligible for marriage under the laws of New York owing to the fact that both he and his fiancee, Tameka Foster, are dead. Ozzie Osbourne was treated in a Denver hospital for an unknown ailment that has since turned out to be rigor mortis. Embattled actress Lindsay Lohan reentered a facility that was found to be not so much a rehab as a morgue.

At the present time this reporter, sitting in an office full of motionless and glassy-eyed-staring co-workers, can find no compelling evidence suggesting that anybody in the entire world is still alive. The wife won't pick up the phone, the phone at the auto shop has been busy for hours, and the streets are eerily silent. It therefore compels us to conclude that humanity has entered a generally inert state unless conclusive data can be provided proving the contrary.

This report was filed posthumously.